Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
