Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
