meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
