Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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