Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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