The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
