I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
A bitchslap is in order.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
