i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's shark week go big or go home
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
