how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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