Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
