we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
