I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
