One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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