i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
