I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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