Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize