The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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