We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
