Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
