I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize