a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
