oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
