Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
