You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
