she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
