The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
