I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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