News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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