Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
