I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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