I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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