I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I met the friendliest cop last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
