Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Where is the hickey?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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