did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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