Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
