He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
