dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just want nice things and good sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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