good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
