She just used a chaser for red wine.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
