So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
