I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
