he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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