You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
