Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
