Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize