i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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