Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
