last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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