Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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