best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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