he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
