I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My balls are so social today.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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