Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
