the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
