we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
