her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
