Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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