What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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