The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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